Notes Falling Slow

My love swears that he is made of truth
I do believe him though I know he lies.
I've caught him creeping 'round darkened holes.
I've caught him staring at distant skies.

I would have seen it coming but I'm blind with age.
Too much time on the battle line.
Shut it all out just let the notes fall slow.

Slow.

My love lives inside a haze of gloom.
He fears today, what might come tomorrow.
Seeks the shadow, shuns the light.
Bleeds for knowledge, prepares for sorrow.

I would have seen it coming but I'm blind with age.
Too much time on the battle line.
Shut it all out just let the note fall slow.

Slow.

This ain't no depression, just notes falling slow.
An early snow and notes falling slow.
Do I have the strength to bear their passion?
An early snow and notes falling slow.

-- Michael Timmins (Cowboy Junkies)

An Era Is Over.....

I quit my DJ job at Popeye's Beach Club this week. It was basically my first steady SL DJ job and I am grateful to the owner, Gruran Solomon for the opportunity he gave me. There has been a lot of changes there lately. First, Skinkie Winkler, who was managing the club, took over as owner. Then she quit altogether, giving control of the club back to Gruran. I had recently split in a long term (by SL standards) relationship with Skinkie, so there were a lot of twists and turns within this whole thing. It has been a very hard decision for me to make, and I had put it off for a month or so just because I wanted to make sure I was not leaving out of anger towards her. But when she left, I knew that it was time to go.

I have a lot of memories from the club. It was a place that I went to to get to know Skinkie. It was the place I learned and practiced how to DJ. I've met so many friends there.....Bradley, Kimber, Carly, Sapphire, MattRess......and I love them all.

Weird thing about Popeye's? No tips there.....I mean, it was brutal...lol. I'm not in DJing for the money, although there is definitely money to be made. But I like to have the freedom to play *my* music. I'm sorry, but I'm not playing crap....lol. At least not a lot of crap. I love playing music and having someone ask, "Who is this? This is great!" I love having a two hour gig and having so many people there staying and we just keep going. I love being a half an hour over, and after playing rock, hard rock and blues....and just having my friends around, and moving into some chill music....Morcheeba and Dido and Delerium and Dead Can Dance, knowing they like it too. (It's also good sex music, and strangely no one chats at this time....)

And lastly, I love picking the music with a purpose. By that I mean making some sense in the order and selection of the songs. Sometimes I don't even know concsciously what I'm doing, but knowing it sounds good, at least to me. Brad told me that DJing well is an art, and I'm not sure that I'm an artist, but I know I don't pick songs out random, at least not when I am into it.

So, an era ends, and a new one begins. I am looking for two new gigs a week, and the last time this happened it took me all of two days. If only I was this successful in my RL job...lol

I remember better days.....

....lace in every window, and roses around the gate.....now it says this property is condemned.

I am not sure what I want to blog about today, but that is the song that came up on my stream....random. Maria McKee. Love her first solo album.....very nice.

One of the tricky things about being sober.....and staying that way, and I'm talking about if you're an alkie like me, is that I have to do certain things to stay that way. It requires a way of life that is contrary to what I used to live, and what many people live today. It is easy to become self-satisfied with that, to be self-righteous and full of pride about it. Bottom line is that I do it because I have to. Not all the time mind you, because that would still be coming from a very self-centered place, and I would not be sober today if I lived in that place consistently. For the most part, I do the right thing because I know it is the right thing to do. Most of the time, I do not expect a reward or an attaboy. Most of the time, I'm not doing it to save my ass.

I guess my point is, that one of my downfalls is that I expect other people to act the way I do. I expect other people to think like I do. I expect other people to "see the light" like I do. This can be in RL, and it can also be in SL. It can concern politics or religion or sports. Now, please do not thing that I do this constantly, because if I did, I would be the most miserable person around.

My previous post about SL relationships outlined my wife and I and how our relationship includes having a bit of fun on SL. This "fun" has also included many things, including sex, fun, falling in love and having our hearts broken. I would not trade my experiences for anything, on SL or RL. Every disastrous turn my RL took, whether due to my alcoholism and addiction, or just stupidity, has been part of what I turned into today. And although, I'm not perfect, I turned out pretty well.

So, now I've decided that other people in SL should adopt how I think about this whole deal. How crazy is that? I forget that we're all different, with different make-ups and different experiences. And in my assuming that someone else would come around to my way of thinking, I've hurt them. Much of this has to do with a hope that I could get what I want......re: selfish desires. Wishful thinking abounds in my stupid head sometimes......

Last thing I want to share, is there any doubt that life is just completely insane in the way things turn and twist. The road....I think I know where I'm going.....and i take a right.....and I get lost. I stumble off a cliff, or climb on a rollercoaster...and the ride is so exciting and thrilling and scary. It's dangerous and I know I should get off, but I don't, cause I'm too caught up. And I don't want to get off, to be honest. And the ride ends, and I realize that I'm not the only person who matters. And although, I didn't intend to hurt someone, I most surely did.

And then begins the next path....the next ride.....the next tree stump, asking to be sat upon, offering contemplation and reflection......

Fucking Maintenance.....

Okay, I know that techy things need maintenance. Hell, I need maintenance and I'm not techy at all, except the chip in my brain that was put there by aliens. Alien technology is so far advanced though....no maintenance needed.....but, I digress....

So, after a crappy night's sleep and a crabby morning here, I go to log on to Second Life....and they're having....issues.

:-/

I'm not addicted. I'm not. I can stop anytime I want to. *nods* I can cut down anytime. In fact, maintenance is a good time to take a break from Second Life. *nods and twitches*

But not NOW!!! I need to get in, man.....I NEEEEED to get in. Anyone know how I can get in? I'll pay you to get me in. *eye twitches nervously* Please??? I gotta get in.....

*curls up in a ball on the floor and weeps*

My Victory Over Griefers

A couple days ago, I was minding my own business on my own land dicking around doing something. And all of a sudden I got caged and orbited out over the ocean on my sim. Of course, being a somewhat savvy SLer, I just tp'd back to my place. My avi was invisible at this point, so I relogged.

When I got back I used my radar to look around and see who could have done this, and I noticed that my neighbor had a couple people over there. Upon closer inspection, I noticed the two guys were playing with a variety of weapons. I IM'd my neighbor and respectfully asked her about it and she admitted it was them, that they were "boys being boys" and that she told them to stop. Being the reasonably patient soul I am, I gave them that. My thought it was more "idiots being idiots," but that's me. :-D

Later on that day, I was on my land again and basically got bombed by these morons....actually one of the morons, who then walked across my land and said Hi. *rolls eyes and mutters "idiots"*

I filed my first AR, banned said idiot from my land, along with the second idiot from earlier, and figured nothing would come of it.

Within the day, said idiot was suspended from SL for 7 days.....rofl! Yay Lindens!!! It made me all tingly in my private parts. I checked the idiot's profile and it turns out he's partnered to my neighbor!! Great!! So he'll be back I'm sure. Oh well....we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Worse comes to worse, I'll see if my estate owner will ban the idiot from the sim...lol.

Immature little fucks.......is there anyway that we can move them back to grade school and put them in the teen grid?

:-D

*counts the number of idiots in this post....*

Crazy Or Hip?

Probably a bit of both. This is another introductory post, allowing you to know a bit more about me and my wacky SL...and almost equally wacky RL. ;-)

My RL wife and I have been on SL about the same length of time. When we started we had no idea what this crazy world would bring to our lives, and what we would bring to it...and to others.

Early on, I happened to meet someone who I wanted to know better. The feeling was mutual and we eventually fell for each other. In that process, my wife knew I was seeing her and was okay with it. My wife, Jenda, was also growing close to a friend of her's. We watched with interest what the other was doing, talked about it, and eventually we addressed the elephant in the room. What would be "okay" in our book? What would we allow the other to do? Would sex in SL with another person be cheating?

We eventually came to the agreement that we could do pretty much what we wanted in SL. Within reason. It is SECOND Life. My SL lover lived overseas, and that made it feel safer for me, as there would be no chance of falling in love and deciding to move away...lol. I've since found that I can fall in love without having to leave my wife and son, but that was how I was thinking in the beginning. I didn't trust myself much. That "safeness" was a double edged sword, as we fell madly in love and I jumped in due to the safety factor. The hardest part of the whole affair with my wife was when she asked me if I loved Skinkie, to which I replied, Yes. It took us a few days to sort that out, and for her to be okay with it. She knew I was not flying off to England, and that no one was flying here to steal me away. But, it was still tough for Jenda, and I felt badly.

Of course, down the road, she fell for someone also, and the tables were turned. I felt that fear of losing her that I'm sure she felt before. But we worked through it, and when that relationship broke apart, I was there to help her through, just as she has done for me recently. Yes, my relationship with Skinkie ended, as I knew it would. We all want relationships to be forever.....permanent. Safe. And that is not possible, because nothing is permanent. Nothing. Buddhism 101! :-D

Jenda and I talked recently about why we do what we do on SL and whether it is healthy. Most people go to one extreme or the other, either saying it means nothing, it is just good sexy fun. The other side is that it's a horrible thing, that something has to be wrong with the marriage for this to happen. I believe it is a mixture of both and much in between. I'm aware that both of us are finding things in a SL relationship that we may not be finding at home. My gut feeling is that some of these could be remedied by us looking and making some changes. I'm also quite sure that we are finding things in SL, with our lovers, that we may not be able to find within each other. We are both very clear that we are not going anywhere. Sure, the thoughts surface, but then I have thoughts about ramming in idiot on the highway with my car too, and that hasn't happened, and it won't......I hope...hehe. The other thing that we have going for us, is most important. We are able to be completely honest with each other. Now, we don't share details about our....private moments. That's creepy....for everyone involved. But, we share honestly about how we feel about the other person, and what we are doing.....generally. It gets a bit uncomfortable at times, especially when something new comes up, but we're also to the point where there's not an awful lot of newness coming up, at least not in the generalities of it.

The weird part is we find ourselves sitting at the dinner table, discussing what we are doing with our SL partners, like it's another day at the office. I've had somewhat of an awakening within me that has been sparked by you lovely women in SL. While I'm aware that in SL we're all beautiful avatars, phsyically, I've had the pleasure of meeting absolutely fantastic women on SL. When I say that, I mean emotionally and intellectually and spiritually. I could fall in love with......lots of you. But then, maybe I fall in love too easily.....

So, on the whole, this whole SL relationship thing Jenda and I have wandered into has been eye-opening. It's been heartbreaking. It's been teaching me a lot about myself that I had not known, both good and bad. I'm not as virtuous as I had believed, and I'm not as bad as I fear I am. I'm just a guy, with a very cool and lovely RL wife, who lets me have fun and learn and grow.....and indulge my ego and indulge my libido.

(Speaking of libido, it has been pointed out to me correctly, that I know nothing of Blissie's libido. But I had to get her in my list somewhere....heehee.)

You can see a million miles tonight.....

.....but you can't get very far.

This is not the Counting Crows post I promised a few days ago, and I'm not sure what this post will be.

I have come a long ways from who I used to be. I was a drunk, a dirt bag, a liar and a cheat. The only person I cared about was myself. I was in pain, constant pain, such that I needed to dull it...and so I drank and drugged. A vicious cycle......more pain requiring more medication which caused more pain.....

"It's a lifetime commitment
Recovering the satellites"

So, for the past sixteen plus years, I've been recovering......recovering the satellites that had been scattered in my life. A lifetime commitment it is. A large part of this has been taking responsibility for my life....for my past....making amends for my wrongs, and making changes to live a better life. The fact that I've been sober for so long is validation that I've done most things right, because it's hard to stay sober unless many changes are made. By acting well today, it makes tomorrow much simpler. My doing good today, I plant the seeds of karma that I will reap in the future.

"We're such crazy babies, little monkey
God we're so fucked up, you and me"

And then I find Second Life, and while I've done many things very well, including helping others in AA and just being a generally good friend to many, I've also fallen far short of my ideals. I've found that some things are so much easier to fall into on SL than in RL. I find myself in situations that.....well, they are just so damn difficult. And I've made them that way. Now don't get me wrong, I still lead a pretty decent life. All I have to do is look around to see that, but that doesn't excuse my shortcomings. And it certainly doesn't make it easier for people that I've hurt. They don't care about my "relative righteousness." And I certainly don't want to gauge my life on what would be the average. I can't do things others do every day and remain sober for long. I don't have that luxury, not in this life. ;-)

"If you've never stared off into the distance then your life is a shame"

So I "stare off into the distance" at where I wish to be, and make adjustments to get there. And experience has told me that I will get there...or at least close enough to see it. And then, with additional clarity, will see in the distance my next destination......

And, lastly, lest I sound like I'm on some impossible journey to perfection and grace, I also need to sit where I am, and just be grateful for my life....today. Because, really, today is all I have. This moment is all that matters. Do the right thing now, and tomorrow becomes simpler. And in the next moment, the same.....

"It's a lifetime decision
Recovering the satellites"