Tuesday, July 22, 2008

It's Tuesday.....

.....and I don't feel well. I'm not sick, but I don't feel well.


That is actually a running joke between my wife and I. And it is true to some extent. Every Tuesday I feel this way. Part of it is due to my crazy work schedule where I work a full work week in three days on Saturday, Sunday and Monday. By Monday night, I'm dead tired, but also want to unwind on SL some and usually end up consuming too much caffeine and staying up too late, which I did both last night.

So I'm just off today. Jake hasn't seen me for three days and he's all over me. Jen is having a tough time and she wants and needs me. And I'm just fucking tired and want some alone time. I'm selfish, I know.

I was talking with Yordie last night about being stretched too thin. I have so much that I want to do, and so little time it seems sometimes. Added to what I need to do around the house and.....I'm stressed and crabby. Overwhelmed at times. So...how did I get 17 years sober in recovery and be so shitty at priorities and setting boundaries?

I woke up and did what I normally do on Tuesdays.....got everyone set with breakfast and then watched Jazz. I'm so glad that SL has re-introduced me to jazz. First it was the blues and now jazz. Well, first it was AA....SL is really quite amazing, if you keep your eyes open. I've really developed a renewed appreciation for this music, particularly Louis Armstrong, Duke Ellington, Count Basie, and of course, Billie Holiday. The spirit and soul of this music is deeper than any I've experienced. The art is more intricate and complex. The individuality is breath-taking. There is nothing like it in our world. Sure, there is improvisation in blues and rock. Sure there is amazing melodies in classical and pop. But nowhere is....I can't even explain it. It's jazz. Swing, blues, individuality, communication, stories, contention, love, healing, life, death, virtuosity, rawness and atonement. Jazz. I love rock, but rock without blues is dead to me. I love blues, as blues is steeped in my favorite music. But jazz....is in my soul right now. I see a world in absolute chaos, inhabited by human beings, many of whom are either too stupid or self-centered to realize that we are headed towards annhilation. Our spirits are being crushed under the weight of our own unwillingness to fight for what's important...and we are allowing this. And jazz calls to me, to be myself, to communicate, to acknowledge honestly how I feel and to take action, first for myself and my family, and next for mankind. Billie tells me of Strange Fruit...injustice and hatred....and then she tells me of Love and Hope, in the midst of my own feelings of despair. Miles tells me....to pick my activities....that music is not just notes, but the spaces between the notes...and my life is not just activity, but spaces between activities. Bird tells me that, not only should I do whatever I do as well as I can, but remember the feeling in what I do. Virtuosity is not enough, without feeling.....not just the letter of the Law, but the Spirit. Trane reminds me to never forget my spirit....never forget A Love Supreme. Monk tells me to be myself...express myself...create myself. And Louis....Louis tells me that in the midst of my Blues...that that there is always hope and joy and love.

What a wonderful world.....Jazz


Parker said...

Selfish???? No!!!!

Sometimes you Crighton time in order to be the best husband, father and friend that you can be. Step back, take care of you and those in your life who truly love and care for you will thank you for it.

Jazz, especially Louis, you don't need to sell me on any part of it. The dance that someone gave me I think it is called Dream Dancer or something, the first time I did that at At Last I was in awe as that is exactly how jazz leaves me feeling. It starts at one point in your body (be it the ears, the toes, the mind, the heart) and before you know it you it has consumed you completely and lifted you to heights you never knew possible.


Kimala said...

so i have a profound thought for you Crighton... LOL

you know.. your love of blues and jazz all seem to share a common thread of improvisation. maybe you are happier when you are improvising in your life - living more by the moment and enjoying the spontaneous, rather than having everything always planned out.

your 17 years is an amazing badge of honor - but I assume you did that day by day - not swallowing up a big plan at once for the whole 17 years you planned to conquer... kinda like improvising... day to day... taking things as they come.

Yes - fresh air has caused me to have deep, incoherant thoughts :) sorry ... thank you though for blogging!

bigd Flanagan said...

Yeah that Kim is right. If, many years ago, I would have met someone with a plan to be a teacher and have four kids and be married for 13 years and live 500 miles from a beach I would have thought from a different mindset.....that person is nuts:)

Life is what happens while you are waiting for the big thing. I know I'm grossly parapharsing some persons quoted insight.

If, at every turn in life, you do your best and act rather than react, it's all good.

My life did not have the monumemtal challenges you have encountered and dealt with successfully. I do know that once I got up and moving and acted on what I felt was right and what I felt would benefit my little zone of humanity, my life changed for the better!

This is what I tell kids at my job. I tell them when they get home look on their birth certificate for a guarantee that life will be easy, fair and just. You can figure out how the rest of the conversation goes....