Thursday, January 31, 2008

Love Dogs

I was at a meeting today and someone shared about their own spirituality and how they think they don't have any, and it prompted me to think of this poem by Rumi. I love me some Rumi. Almost rhymes with Joonie, too! ;-)

The whole point of this poem is that our sorrow, our what makes us cry out to God sometimes. Therefore it is not a bad thing, but something to be embraced. Our cry out is our connection.


One night a man was crying,
Allah! Allah!
His lips grew sweet with the praising,
until a cynic said,
"So! I have heard you
calling out, but have you ever
gotten any response?"

The man had no answer to that.
He quit praying and fell into a confused sleep.

He dreamed he saw Khidr, the guide of souls,
in a thick, green foliage.
"Why did you stop praising?"
"Because I've never heard anything back."
"This longing
you express is the return message."

The grief you cry out from
draws you toward union.

Your pure sadness
that wants help
is the secret cup.

Listen to the moan of a dog for its master.
That whining is the connection.

There are love dogs
no one knows the names of.

Give your life
to be one of them.

Griefers Gone Wild....and what is God's will?

I know griefers are a part of Second Life. They are a part of Real Life. Anywhere you go there are idiots who think it's fun to cause trouble. Fortunately, most people are good and decent. Man, lately though it's been something else.....

A few weeks ago I got griefed on my own land. I gave the idiot one warning and he did it again so I AR'd his ass, resulting in a seven day suspension from SL. Lately though, we've had a rash of people griefing the AA meetings I go to in SL. Last week, they hit two that a dear friend of mine was chairing. Then this last Tuesday, I had a couple girls early in the meeting creating a distraction. They finally got bored and left. We usually do not eject or ban in this type of situation. It is AA and we believe that if someone is there, they are there for a reason, no matter what reason they think they are. It also can piss a griefer off and then they come back again with more friends, etc. The best policy is to ignore and mute them.

Tuesday, however, after the initial non-event, I had another guy show up and was doing the ol' drinking a beer with the falling down drunk animation. Usually I will just IM the person and ask them to leave or tone it down...basically inform them of our protocol and ask that they respect it. But, I didn't then. I saw that someone had crashed and didn't know if it was just SL or something else. We had a couple newcomers in the room and I did not want them to feel threatened in any way. So I ejected him and banned him right then and there. After he was ejected, I IM'd him and asked him what he was thinking, to which he replied with two question marks. I told him it was an AA meeting and that I had serious reservations of what he was doing in there with that animation, and that it was disrepectful to our group. He apologized and said he didn't know it was a real AA meeting. I told him all we required was a bit of respect on his part and he apologized and said we had it now. I took him off the ban list then and he went on his way.

What is God's will? In any situation, really? I had a friend give me a ration of shit about me ejecting the guy. Her point was that maybe he was supposed to be in that meeting. And I can respect that, I really can. But if I'm in a meeting, and pray before hand, maybe God was working through me ejecting the guy too? I'm not sure, to be honest. And I like it that way. Anytime I hear someone who is sure that they are doing God's will, I run the other way. Bad things usually happen about that time. The thing is that it was a difficult situation and I was there. It really pisses me off that someone who wasn't there is going to lay a judgment on me about how I handled it. And then to act like they know God's will in that situation? Preposterous. Not my shit though. I take up the mantle of determining what God's will is enough, and I don't want that job. Not qualified anyway, although it is fun to watch others try it on. Same results. Pray before hand and do what I think is best. Then, if I make a mistake, make amends and be done with it. Easier said than done,

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

My Island Got Bigger!

I had two women tell me last night, "This is HUGE!!" *sighs* They were talking about my island. *sighs again* I purchased the land next door to me and connected it to my current land, making one big island now. I'm very excited about the possibilities here. It gives me more space and more prims. I've been very much inspired and influenced by my neighbor, Bev's, plot where she doesn't have a house. It's basically a big garden with a small open structure. It's very beautiful and that is what I'm shooting for.

I'm also looking at making some type of Zen or Magickal statement, possibly both. I'm thinking a garden with the four elements in their corresponding directions....maybe a zen rock garden somewhere. I had a friend who made a waterfall with a cave behind it, and that sounds cool. Many possibilities, and never enough prims to go around.

Anyway, last night much silliness ensued as my land was empty and Kimala came over. We raced shopping carts and Snorses and I even took a Fred Flintstone car for a spin. The Bedrockmobile didn't handle well though, and I ended up in Bev's yard. We laughed and went with the Snorses....they are slower and handle

So, I'm excited to build something, but today is chore day...RL that is. Damn RL! Always infringing on my SL!!

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Joonie is my leader, and I'll follow her wherever she goes....

You Are An INFP

The Idealist

You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world.
Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships.
It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close.
But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop.

In love, you tend to have high (and often unrealistic) standards.
You are very sensitive. You tend to have intense feelings.

At work, you need to do something that expresses your personal values.
You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

How you see yourself: Unselfish, empathetic, and spiritual

When other people don't get you, they see you as: Unrealistic, naive, and weak


You Are A Little Snobby

And being a little snobby every once and a while is totally allowed.
Because if no one was ever snobby, no one would ever try to dress up or look pretty.
And while you do enjoy the finest things in life (that you can afford), you tire of superficiality.
You know there's more to life than what's just on the surface.

Is there a music snob quiz?


Thursday, January 24, 2008

The Best

"I am in no mood in this stage of my life to have anything else."

Wow.....I keep going back to this statement. I found this nugget on Joonie's Blog

What an amazing affirmation. Reminds me of how often I can settle for less. I have a tendency to.....settle in to whatever I'm in, good or bad. Many times I don't notice until I'm out of whatever it is I'm Hindsight is, indeed, 20/20.

And yes, this pertains to my SL, too. And that is because, although it is SL, it is real. Maybe not real in the sense that I am with someone in SL the way I am in RL. But it is real. My reactions and feelings and soul and defects are still present, whether I'm in the kitchen with Jen in RL or whether I'm with you in SL. It's all there, except our physical presence. And not to deny or denigrate the physical, it really is much less important to me than it used to be. I am a spiritual being living in a physical world.....or a virtual world. Obviously RL is more important for the simple reason that if I don't pay my tier, my avi is homeless. If I don't pay my mortgage me and my family are about a In SL, this settling can take many forms. I worked at a club where I didn't get paid too were shit...for a long time. Now, I don't DJ for the money, but if I can work at another club and do the same thing for much more money and have much fun, why not? I stayed way longer than I should have, because I was comfortable there. And, I believe part of it also, was I was afraid to hurt someone else's feelings, and maybe I felt I didn't deserve better? The owner of the club (original) has serious people skill issues, and I didn't feel much of a loyalty to him. But things change, I'm out of there...and start a new Thursday night gig tonight. And getting paid extremely well too. :-)

The main thing as always is that this is an inner job. Once I truly feel that I deserve the best, I will expect the best. I will attract the best. I will discard what does not serve me well and what hurts me. And this starts within.

I have someone that I care about very much right now, and who treats me extremely well. So patient and understanding....and positive....lord she's positive. And I'm in no mood right now to have anything less.....

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Shimmer by Shawn Mullins

Sharing with us what he knows
Shining eyes are big and blue
And all around him water flows
This world to him is new
This world to him is new
To touch a face
To kiss a smile
New eyes see no race
The essence of a child
The essence

He's born to shimmer, he's born to shine
He's born to radiate
He's born to live, he's born to love
But we'll teach him not to hate

True love it is a rock
Smoothed over by a stream
No ticking of a clock
Truly measures what that means
Truly measures what that means
And this thing they call our time
Heard a brilliant woman say
She said you know it's crazy
How I want to try to capture mine
I think I love this woman's way
I think I love this woman's

way she shimmers, the way she shines
The way she radiates
The way she lives, the way she loves
The way she never hates

Sometimes I think of all of this that can surround me
I know it all as being mine
But she kisses me and wraps herself around me
She gives me love, she gives me time
And I feel fine I feel fine

But time I cannot change
So here's to looking back
You know I drink a whole bottle of my pride
And I toast to change to keep these demons off my back
Just get these demons off my back

Cause I want to shimmer, I want to shine
I want to radiate
I want to live, I want to love
I want to try to learn not to hate
Try not to hate
We're born to shimmer, we're born to shine
We're born to radiate
We're born to live, we're born to love
We're born to never hate

Friday, January 18, 2008

Notes Falling Slow

My love swears that he is made of truth
I do believe him though I know he lies.
I've caught him creeping 'round darkened holes.
I've caught him staring at distant skies.

I would have seen it coming but I'm blind with age.
Too much time on the battle line.
Shut it all out just let the notes fall slow.


My love lives inside a haze of gloom.
He fears today, what might come tomorrow.
Seeks the shadow, shuns the light.
Bleeds for knowledge, prepares for sorrow.

I would have seen it coming but I'm blind with age.
Too much time on the battle line.
Shut it all out just let the note fall slow.


This ain't no depression, just notes falling slow.
An early snow and notes falling slow.
Do I have the strength to bear their passion?
An early snow and notes falling slow.

-- Michael Timmins (Cowboy Junkies)

Thursday, January 17, 2008

An Era Is Over.....

I quit my DJ job at Popeye's Beach Club this week. It was basically my first steady SL DJ job and I am grateful to the owner, Gruran Solomon for the opportunity he gave me. There has been a lot of changes there lately. First, Skinkie Winkler, who was managing the club, took over as owner. Then she quit altogether, giving control of the club back to Gruran. I had recently split in a long term (by SL standards) relationship with Skinkie, so there were a lot of twists and turns within this whole thing. It has been a very hard decision for me to make, and I had put it off for a month or so just because I wanted to make sure I was not leaving out of anger towards her. But when she left, I knew that it was time to go.

I have a lot of memories from the club. It was a place that I went to to get to know Skinkie. It was the place I learned and practiced how to DJ. I've met so many friends there.....Bradley, Kimber, Carly, Sapphire, MattRess......and I love them all.

Weird thing about Popeye's? No tips there.....I mean, it was I'm not in DJing for the money, although there is definitely money to be made. But I like to have the freedom to play *my* music. I'm sorry, but I'm not playing At least not a lot of crap. I love playing music and having someone ask, "Who is this? This is great!" I love having a two hour gig and having so many people there staying and we just keep going. I love being a half an hour over, and after playing rock, hard rock and blues....and just having my friends around, and moving into some chill music....Morcheeba and Dido and Delerium and Dead Can Dance, knowing they like it too. (It's also good sex music, and strangely no one chats at this time....)

And lastly, I love picking the music with a purpose. By that I mean making some sense in the order and selection of the songs. Sometimes I don't even know concsciously what I'm doing, but knowing it sounds good, at least to me. Brad told me that DJing well is an art, and I'm not sure that I'm an artist, but I know I don't pick songs out random, at least not when I am into it.

So, an era ends, and a new one begins. I am looking for two new gigs a week, and the last time this happened it took me all of two days. If only I was this successful in my RL

Monday, January 7, 2008

I remember better days.....

....lace in every window, and roses around the it says this property is condemned.

I am not sure what I want to blog about today, but that is the song that came up on my stream....random. Maria McKee. Love her first solo album.....very nice.

One of the tricky things about being sober.....and staying that way, and I'm talking about if you're an alkie like me, is that I have to do certain things to stay that way. It requires a way of life that is contrary to what I used to live, and what many people live today. It is easy to become self-satisfied with that, to be self-righteous and full of pride about it. Bottom line is that I do it because I have to. Not all the time mind you, because that would still be coming from a very self-centered place, and I would not be sober today if I lived in that place consistently. For the most part, I do the right thing because I know it is the right thing to do. Most of the time, I do not expect a reward or an attaboy. Most of the time, I'm not doing it to save my ass.

I guess my point is, that one of my downfalls is that I expect other people to act the way I do. I expect other people to think like I do. I expect other people to "see the light" like I do. This can be in RL, and it can also be in SL. It can concern politics or religion or sports. Now, please do not thing that I do this constantly, because if I did, I would be the most miserable person around.

My previous post about SL relationships outlined my wife and I and how our relationship includes having a bit of fun on SL. This "fun" has also included many things, including sex, fun, falling in love and having our hearts broken. I would not trade my experiences for anything, on SL or RL. Every disastrous turn my RL took, whether due to my alcoholism and addiction, or just stupidity, has been part of what I turned into today. And although, I'm not perfect, I turned out pretty well.

So, now I've decided that other people in SL should adopt how I think about this whole deal. How crazy is that? I forget that we're all different, with different make-ups and different experiences. And in my assuming that someone else would come around to my way of thinking, I've hurt them. Much of this has to do with a hope that I could get what I selfish desires. Wishful thinking abounds in my stupid head sometimes......

Last thing I want to share, is there any doubt that life is just completely insane in the way things turn and twist. The road....I think I know where I'm going.....and i take a right.....and I get lost. I stumble off a cliff, or climb on a rollercoaster...and the ride is so exciting and thrilling and scary. It's dangerous and I know I should get off, but I don't, cause I'm too caught up. And I don't want to get off, to be honest. And the ride ends, and I realize that I'm not the only person who matters. And although, I didn't intend to hurt someone, I most surely did.

And then begins the next path....the next ride.....the next tree stump, asking to be sat upon, offering contemplation and reflection......

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Fucking Maintenance.....

Okay, I know that techy things need maintenance. Hell, I need maintenance and I'm not techy at all, except the chip in my brain that was put there by aliens. Alien technology is so far advanced maintenance needed.....but, I digress....

So, after a crappy night's sleep and a crabby morning here, I go to log on to Second Life....and they're having....issues.


I'm not addicted. I'm not. I can stop anytime I want to. *nods* I can cut down anytime. In fact, maintenance is a good time to take a break from Second Life. *nods and twitches*

But not NOW!!! I need to get in, man.....I NEEEEED to get in. Anyone know how I can get in? I'll pay you to get me in. *eye twitches nervously* Please??? I gotta get in.....

*curls up in a ball on the floor and weeps*

Friday, January 4, 2008

My Victory Over Griefers

A couple days ago, I was minding my own business on my own land dicking around doing something. And all of a sudden I got caged and orbited out over the ocean on my sim. Of course, being a somewhat savvy SLer, I just tp'd back to my place. My avi was invisible at this point, so I relogged.

When I got back I used my radar to look around and see who could have done this, and I noticed that my neighbor had a couple people over there. Upon closer inspection, I noticed the two guys were playing with a variety of weapons. I IM'd my neighbor and respectfully asked her about it and she admitted it was them, that they were "boys being boys" and that she told them to stop. Being the reasonably patient soul I am, I gave them that. My thought it was more "idiots being idiots," but that's me. :-D

Later on that day, I was on my land again and basically got bombed by these morons....actually one of the morons, who then walked across my land and said Hi. *rolls eyes and mutters "idiots"*

I filed my first AR, banned said idiot from my land, along with the second idiot from earlier, and figured nothing would come of it.

Within the day, said idiot was suspended from SL for 7 days.....rofl! Yay Lindens!!! It made me all tingly in my private parts. I checked the idiot's profile and it turns out he's partnered to my neighbor!! Great!! So he'll be back I'm sure. Oh well....we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Worse comes to worse, I'll see if my estate owner will ban the idiot from the

Immature little there anyway that we can move them back to grade school and put them in the teen grid?


*counts the number of idiots in this post....*

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Crazy Or Hip?

Probably a bit of both. This is another introductory post, allowing you to know a bit more about me and my wacky SL...and almost equally wacky RL. ;-)

My RL wife and I have been on SL about the same length of time. When we started we had no idea what this crazy world would bring to our lives, and what we would bring to it...and to others.

Early on, I happened to meet someone who I wanted to know better. The feeling was mutual and we eventually fell for each other. In that process, my wife knew I was seeing her and was okay with it. My wife, Jenda, was also growing close to a friend of her's. We watched with interest what the other was doing, talked about it, and eventually we addressed the elephant in the room. What would be "okay" in our book? What would we allow the other to do? Would sex in SL with another person be cheating?

We eventually came to the agreement that we could do pretty much what we wanted in SL. Within reason. It is SECOND Life. My SL lover lived overseas, and that made it feel safer for me, as there would be no chance of falling in love and deciding to move I've since found that I can fall in love without having to leave my wife and son, but that was how I was thinking in the beginning. I didn't trust myself much. That "safeness" was a double edged sword, as we fell madly in love and I jumped in due to the safety factor. The hardest part of the whole affair with my wife was when she asked me if I loved Skinkie, to which I replied, Yes. It took us a few days to sort that out, and for her to be okay with it. She knew I was not flying off to England, and that no one was flying here to steal me away. But, it was still tough for Jenda, and I felt badly.

Of course, down the road, she fell for someone also, and the tables were turned. I felt that fear of losing her that I'm sure she felt before. But we worked through it, and when that relationship broke apart, I was there to help her through, just as she has done for me recently. Yes, my relationship with Skinkie ended, as I knew it would. We all want relationships to be forever.....permanent. Safe. And that is not possible, because nothing is permanent. Nothing. Buddhism 101! :-D

Jenda and I talked recently about why we do what we do on SL and whether it is healthy. Most people go to one extreme or the other, either saying it means nothing, it is just good sexy fun. The other side is that it's a horrible thing, that something has to be wrong with the marriage for this to happen. I believe it is a mixture of both and much in between. I'm aware that both of us are finding things in a SL relationship that we may not be finding at home. My gut feeling is that some of these could be remedied by us looking and making some changes. I'm also quite sure that we are finding things in SL, with our lovers, that we may not be able to find within each other. We are both very clear that we are not going anywhere. Sure, the thoughts surface, but then I have thoughts about ramming in idiot on the highway with my car too, and that hasn't happened, and it won't......I hope...hehe. The other thing that we have going for us, is most important. We are able to be completely honest with each other. Now, we don't share details about our....private moments. That's creepy....for everyone involved. But, we share honestly about how we feel about the other person, and what we are doing.....generally. It gets a bit uncomfortable at times, especially when something new comes up, but we're also to the point where there's not an awful lot of newness coming up, at least not in the generalities of it.

The weird part is we find ourselves sitting at the dinner table, discussing what we are doing with our SL partners, like it's another day at the office. I've had somewhat of an awakening within me that has been sparked by you lovely women in SL. While I'm aware that in SL we're all beautiful avatars, phsyically, I've had the pleasure of meeting absolutely fantastic women on SL. When I say that, I mean emotionally and intellectually and spiritually. I could fall in love with......lots of you. But then, maybe I fall in love too easily.....

So, on the whole, this whole SL relationship thing Jenda and I have wandered into has been eye-opening. It's been heartbreaking. It's been teaching me a lot about myself that I had not known, both good and bad. I'm not as virtuous as I had believed, and I'm not as bad as I fear I am. I'm just a guy, with a very cool and lovely RL wife, who lets me have fun and learn and grow.....and indulge my ego and indulge my libido.

(Speaking of libido, it has been pointed out to me correctly, that I know nothing of Blissie's libido. But I had to get her in my list somewhere....heehee.)

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

You can see a million miles tonight.....

.....but you can't get very far.

This is not the Counting Crows post I promised a few days ago, and I'm not sure what this post will be.

I have come a long ways from who I used to be. I was a drunk, a dirt bag, a liar and a cheat. The only person I cared about was myself. I was in pain, constant pain, such that I needed to dull it...and so I drank and drugged. A vicious cycle......more pain requiring more medication which caused more pain.....

"It's a lifetime commitment
Recovering the satellites"

So, for the past sixteen plus years, I've been recovering......recovering the satellites that had been scattered in my life. A lifetime commitment it is. A large part of this has been taking responsibility for my life....for my past....making amends for my wrongs, and making changes to live a better life. The fact that I've been sober for so long is validation that I've done most things right, because it's hard to stay sober unless many changes are made. By acting well today, it makes tomorrow much simpler. My doing good today, I plant the seeds of karma that I will reap in the future.

"We're such crazy babies, little monkey
God we're so fucked up, you and me"

And then I find Second Life, and while I've done many things very well, including helping others in AA and just being a generally good friend to many, I've also fallen far short of my ideals. I've found that some things are so much easier to fall into on SL than in RL. I find myself in situations that.....well, they are just so damn difficult. And I've made them that way. Now don't get me wrong, I still lead a pretty decent life. All I have to do is look around to see that, but that doesn't excuse my shortcomings. And it certainly doesn't make it easier for people that I've hurt. They don't care about my "relative righteousness." And I certainly don't want to gauge my life on what would be the average. I can't do things others do every day and remain sober for long. I don't have that luxury, not in this life. ;-)

If you've never stared off into the distance then your life is a shame"

So I "stare off into the distance" at where I wish to be, and make adjustments to get there. And experience has told me that I will get there...or at least close enough to see it. And then, with additional clarity, will see in the distance my next destination......

And, lastly, lest I sound like I'm on some impossible journey to perfection and grace, I also need to sit where I am, and just be grateful for my Because, really, today is all I have. This moment is all that matters. Do the right thing now, and tomorrow becomes simpler. And in the next moment, the same.....

It's a lifetime decision
Recovering the satellites"