You can see a million miles tonight.....

.....but you can't get very far.

This is not the Counting Crows post I promised a few days ago, and I'm not sure what this post will be.

I have come a long ways from who I used to be. I was a drunk, a dirt bag, a liar and a cheat. The only person I cared about was myself. I was in pain, constant pain, such that I needed to dull it...and so I drank and drugged. A vicious cycle......more pain requiring more medication which caused more pain.....

"It's a lifetime commitment
Recovering the satellites"

So, for the past sixteen plus years, I've been recovering......recovering the satellites that had been scattered in my life. A lifetime commitment it is. A large part of this has been taking responsibility for my life....for my past....making amends for my wrongs, and making changes to live a better life. The fact that I've been sober for so long is validation that I've done most things right, because it's hard to stay sober unless many changes are made. By acting well today, it makes tomorrow much simpler. My doing good today, I plant the seeds of karma that I will reap in the future.

"We're such crazy babies, little monkey
God we're so fucked up, you and me"

And then I find Second Life, and while I've done many things very well, including helping others in AA and just being a generally good friend to many, I've also fallen far short of my ideals. I've found that some things are so much easier to fall into on SL than in RL. I find myself in situations that.....well, they are just so damn difficult. And I've made them that way. Now don't get me wrong, I still lead a pretty decent life. All I have to do is look around to see that, but that doesn't excuse my shortcomings. And it certainly doesn't make it easier for people that I've hurt. They don't care about my "relative righteousness." And I certainly don't want to gauge my life on what would be the average. I can't do things others do every day and remain sober for long. I don't have that luxury, not in this life. ;-)

"If you've never stared off into the distance then your life is a shame"

So I "stare off into the distance" at where I wish to be, and make adjustments to get there. And experience has told me that I will get there...or at least close enough to see it. And then, with additional clarity, will see in the distance my next destination......

And, lastly, lest I sound like I'm on some impossible journey to perfection and grace, I also need to sit where I am, and just be grateful for my life....today. Because, really, today is all I have. This moment is all that matters. Do the right thing now, and tomorrow becomes simpler. And in the next moment, the same.....

"It's a lifetime decision
Recovering the satellites"